Category Archives: Spiritual Journey

The Story is Bigger than Me and You

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As much as I would like to say I knew He would…I was STRESSED, because I am human. In case you are just jumping into this story, (see First thought Not Again Part 1 & 2) here is a refresher. Resigned from my pastorate in Tennessee, moved to Atlanta to start a new church. No job, no anything, just a dream. Got a great job, lost that great job (on Thanksgiving)  because of our down turning economy, and other factors. Living off of savings for months, running out of money, turning down jobs in other states that would have been awesome, applying to over 200 here in the city with no bites…and then…GOD COMES THROUGH HUGE!!!

I will forgo all of the details, but lets talk a little about providence. I met Scott Kaufman when he was recruiting me for North Point…it did not work out with NP for a few reasons that were non negotiable on both sides (mine and theirs), but for whatever reason Scott and I remained friends through the entire process.

Recently, through the course of conversation I told him I had not had a job in a while. I hadn’t told him prior to this because I didn’t want to ever have leveraged our friendship for the use of his skills as a recruiter. But, this time it was a natural part of our convo. so I told him, and he immediately jumped at the chance to help me find something I would LOVE to do.

The short version…he had an in road on a position with a non profit that works in child advocacy. Imagine that, a chance for me to work in child advocacy…surely God was no where in that scenario (sarcasm if you missed it). I have long had a heart for children, and one of the primary functions of Renovation Church had already been laid out to serve and facilitate opportunity and growth for the children of our community. Perfect fit…just maybe.

The point…1. Providence and Gods sovereignty is real…too many times He has come in at the 11th hour and done something that blew my mind. Don’t read into that me saying He always has come in and done exactly what I wanted or what I thought I needed. What I am saying is that through every tight spot He has been real and present, unfolding the story to His glory,and ultimately for my good. 2. It is ok to wrestle with doubt and panic, as long as you are real about it. God knows your heart and thoughts anyway. I was worried. I have a wife and daughter that depend on me to provide for them, and provision was fast running out. So when I went to God in prayer, there was no fake shallow “I believe it will be alright” crap. It was “I need you, and I need you now!! Help me!!”

There are several of us on the cusp of life altering situations everyday…put it in the hands of the one who has written the story that you are a part of, and trust that in the end we live for one thing, that our lives would glorify Him. When you live like that, things start to make sense. I have looked back and seen how every piece, from blowing out my knee, almost failing out of college, being cut from the NFL , fired from college coaching, laid off from selling copy machines, lied to about being paid to pastor, laid off from sports agency, to barely being able to make rent, has been fundamental in shaping my faith…my world view…my heart. And the heart that I have, the one that is full of anger one minute and compassion the next, He will use to change the world…and if you let Him, He will use yours too.

I am a Reformed Cathocharibapticostal

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My spiritual formation has been a mixed bag…although up until the age of 15 there was very little formation. My parents both grew up with a very narrow perspective of who God was and how they should respond to Him. They were moral deist. They believed in God as a higher power, but knew little of the beauty of Jesus and His sacrifice and they had no concept of God as father. My mom was an irreligious catholic and my father had no affiliation at all. He would tell you now that he was just a pure pagan.

Their faith journey began after I was born (side note, it took them seven years of trying to have me…there is a great back story, but we don’t have time in this post), like most good American parents they didn’t want me to be a murderer or drug dealer, so they thought they should “go to” church. Since my mom was catholic, and my dad didn’t care that’s where they went and I was carried along, literally. It was here that I was sprinkled (baptized), and had my earliest exposure to the concept of God.

I don’t want to initiate a battle right now on the Reformation vs. Catholicism, so I will try and word this carefully….after growing up catholic all of her life my mom was left with many questions, and rapidly became disillusioned with the entire system. There are many details of her testimony I would love to share, but again, there is not time, and I don’t have her full permission, but I will share it soon. So, with her fully disillusioned and on a mad search for God we ended up in a baptist church where we stayed for a few years. There were some tragic discrepancies between what the pastor taught and how he lived his life. We will leave it at that.

This led us to visit a large charismatic church expression…I was 15 at this point. Some of you know much of my story, but a headline to title my life at this time would be “Boy with great family acts like a stupid thug for no apparent reason except to be like the people around him”. But it was here, at this church, that God broke my heart and He saved me. I still remember what I was wearing…I still remember the tears.

Fast forward 8 years, and I find myself cut from the NFL, sitting in Tennessee trying to figure out my next move. Before I’d left for the league I was attending a local church, that I didn’t know was pentecostal, but apparently it was. Within a few month’s of being back I was pastoring there.

It was my own journey and search for truth that led me to begin to read and listen to modern reformed leaders, who lead me to read the the leaders of the reformation, which led me to read the people they read, which led me all the way back to the writings of the puritans, which lead me all the way back to third century writers in church history.

I shared this because I believe each expression has shaped some function of how I see the church, ministry, and my engagement with God. Example, although I am reformed theologically, I still worship very charismatically, it is a part of my spiritual DNA. I believe that the only way we can understand where we are going spiritually is to take inventory of where we have been, and take a hard look at our spiritual DNA. So what is yours? How does it show up in your faith journey and expression today?

For you linear people here is a time line: 0-9 Catholic, 9-15 Baptist, 15-22 Charismatic, 22-24 Pentecostal, 24-present Reformed (with a pentecostal/charismatic bent)

First thought…Not again!! Part 2

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As the recession has done so well, it limited opportunities for the company towards the end of the year. Hit the pockets of our biggest investor pretty hard, and eventually, we ended the year signing no athletes, and me without a job.

So, where do we go from here? That is the biggest question of my life for the last four and a half years. From turning down a coaching job and residency with the Athletic director at my alma mater, so that I could take my first shot at the NFL, to now, having moved to this city, which I love, to plant a church. Where does anyone go from here? When you put it all on the line every time, and the unexpected happens.

Here are some thoughts from my experience…first, trust Jesus (if you say you do), I mean really trust Him, and know that He has your life in His hands. Believe me, I know that this is sometimes a tough pill to swallow, but it is in those moments, when your back is against the wall, that you find out if your faith is real or superficial.

Second, keep open lines of communication with those people who speak into your life, who encourage you, will pray for you, and help to give you strength. For me, that is most certainly my wife. If it were up to me, in my weakest moments, I may have quit ministry long ago, but she sees so much in me, and she lets me know, and she pushes me to pursue Jesus at all cost. My parents and other parents (in-laws), who believe in me, and encourage me to move forward…just keep moving forward.

Third, journal, often. In the Old Testement Scriptures you can read of several places where the Jews built monuments of stone to memorialize what God did for them and through them in moments when He showed up bigger than life. Journaling for me is often the outlet for this. Where I have built monuments of words where the impossible happened because God showed up so big in my life (ex. the NFL, even getting the agent Job, meeting financial needs when the books just didn’t add up) there are so many more. But, in moments like now, I go back and look through these monuments to help remind me of what a great God I serve, and how much Jesus loves me, and is concerned about me.

Finally, don’t stall out. Keep pushing forward until something opens up, and pray for the wisdom to take the opportunities you should, and cast aside the ones you shouldn’t, knowing, again, that Jesus has your life in His hands (again, if this is how you believe). If you are not a follower of Jesus, this can still apply, maybe your first display of trusting Jesus, as I mentioned above, is to simply trust Him with your life, and then see what happens. I promise, He doesn’t disappoint.

This is my story, and I will continue to live it with faith and diligence. As such, I am off to look for a job, prepare to teach this Wednesday night to our new small group, and pray for direction from Jesus for where to go from here.

What about you?

First thought…Not again!! Part 1

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September 1, 2008, I wrote a rather lengthy post on transition, you can find it if you want to read it…I suggest you do if you are in any kind of transition.

In light of that post, here we are again. Not in the exact same sense, but I do find myself in a peculiar and wondering/wandering situation. When I moved to Atlanta to plant Renovation Church everything seemed to be falling into place. We had a core group of people who were already gathering and just waiting for us to engage. I had a great job, doing something I loved (in case you missed it, I was working as a sports agent), and the outlook for the future looked incredible. We began making plans for inviting families to gather, I was traveling recruiting athletes…it was the perfect situation.

There are several details that I will exclude in the following paragraphs for the cause of Christ, and me not being an idiot an shaming His name through any angry writing. So we go on.

There almost immediately began to be some issues within our core group. My understanding of who and what the church is, and the role of a pastor in this organic movement differed greatly from that of two of the central leaders in this group. We wrestled with it, discussed, and soon realized that we had very different visions for where we wanted this thing to go. I wanted to launch a new church, they wanted to start a monastic group. If you don’t know the distinction between the two go here.

I loved their sense of community, and desire to avoid becoming institutional, but the Church is the redemptive agent of God, and we can not just cast it aside because she is messed up. We have to love her, protect her, and be a part of reforming her. She is Jesus bride, and you can’t love Jesus and hate His wife!

Needless to say there began to be a drifting which became a wedge, which became a general separation. We (me and them) have done a fairly good job at keeping the relationships in tact, but amiably went our separate ways, with several families caught in the middle. (still figuring that out)

selah

What shapes you?

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All of us have processes by which we direct our lives. We have influences that govern how we respond to pressure, how we engage our difficulties, how we choose our mate, jobs, clothing, passions…the list goes on.

Although many would try to convince you to day that there is no absolute truth, anyone espousing that notion is hypocritical because the very statement they made, by it’s very nature is either irrelevant, or absolute truth. Either way, it is self contradicting.

The set up bring us to this. All of us shape our lives by one of three things. Culture, emotions, or the scriptures. This can not be refuted, and I would love to hear the argument that can. At the end of the day, what you wear, who you date, the music you listen to, what you read, where you go to school etc. is shaped by one of these things. Example, pegged jeans disappeared in the late eighties, and I remember making fun of a guy (wasn’t always so sweet) for wearing some in high school. Now, because culture dictated it, skinny jeans are everywhere, way beyond the original resurgence in the emo culture.

This is a minuscule example of a human condition. But, again, an irrefutable one. One of these things is shaping what you and I do everyday. Now, here is the point. Culture is every changing, so what is in today, will be out tomorrow, and a life built on an ever shifting foundation will never have any true identity. Our emotions are not trustworthy. You know it, I know it, we all do. We have all made emotional decisions that ended up with horrible consequences (i.e. destroying a relationship with sex because “it felt so right”). So that leaves us with only one answer that truly gives us an opportunity to be shaped by something that does not change, because it is absolute, and is trustworthy, because it is time tested.

So the question then is this, when is the last time you interacted with the only means of shaping a life built on absolutes? Have you ever?

Vulnerable

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Vulnerability is a strange feeling. It can be overwhelming, cause fear, or doubt. Vulnerability can take us through a whole range of emotions, mostly those that we don’t want to feel.

The other side of course is that when we are vulnerable, we are most like Jesus. When we give ourselves over completely, not holding back anything, not hiding anything, but exposing everything, even the raw nerves that run so deep beneath the surface, we have most closely identified with our saviour, because He made Himself vulnerable for our sake. He gave all of Himself in death, so that we could live.

So be vulnerable, be open, let the rawness of who you are be exposed from time to time, and watch how the world around you is drawn to your authenticity, and when they are, there is an opportunity to point them to the One who gives you the ability to give all without reservation.

Shine

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There is an old rap song I used to love, and one of the lyrics said “get yo shine on…get yo shine on”, and the entire song was about how to shine in this world because of all that you have and your natural swagger. I loved this song for years, mainly because it is from some of Louisiana’s finest.But I have realized in recent years that this is not the way to shine. What we have, achieve, accomplish, in the end, it never fully satisfies, we never truly shine.

I read this morning, “…If you get rid of the yoke from those around you,the finger-pointing and malicious speaking,and if you offer yourself to the hungry, and satisfy the afflicted one, then your light will shine in the darkness, and your night will be like noonday.”

These actions, and attitudes are completely counter cultural…not pointing fingers at who is wrong or right, not back biting or being demeaning or cutting towards each other. Giving ourselves, maybe some of our stuff to people who have nothing? Who does this, who can possibly do this? All of the time…

Truthfully…no one. Not everyday, not all of the time. But, if we strive towards this, how different would our world look? How different would visiting family at holidays be, or complicated relationship issues, or just going to work everyday with people you may not necessarily agree with? How different would this world be, if we all tried to shine in this way? So go…get yo shine on…and see what the world can really be.

Pressure

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I wrote an entry about transition a couple month’s ago, and I guess this may be a continuation of some sort. I have been under pressure lately…I would even say a little stressed, being consumed by a thesis that seemingly will never end, and a job that seemingly will never begin.

This is not a sob story or complaint, just an honest estimation of where I am right now. This has just been a continuous testing and trying period in my life from the NFL until now.

I just need to trust God in all of this, and in most cases lots of times I have, but there are others where I find myself struggling to control my own circumstances…I am sure I am the only one who does this.

Finding balance between sitting idle, “waiting on God to make something happen”, and moving forward, but knowing my life is in God’s hands and not having control over every nuance is difficult. I think it’s difficult for all of us.

Everything will sort itself out, because I believe that it will, because I believe in the One who calls all the shots, and He has yet to fail me.

Higher

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It is not outside the range of human emotions to face something difficult or trying, and look to God an ask, “Where are you”? This is perfectly natural, and a apart of our humanity, but it often leads us to abandon what we know of God, and who we know Him to be.

Recently, I had one of those moments, where something in my life was not functioning the way that I believed it should and quite frankly, some things were going to pieces. I had been wrestling with this for some time, and this morning I read in the scriptures something that I knew, but it clearly had not fully resonated with my heart.

Isaiah 55:9-11 says,”9 “For as heaven is higher than earth,so My ways are higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.10 For just as rain and snow fall from heaven, and do not return there without saturating the earth, and making it germinate and sprout, and providing seed to sow and food to eat,11 so My word that comes from My mouth will not return to Me empty, but it will accomplish what I please, and will prosper in what I send it to do.””

The context for this verse of course is it references Israel, and God’s petition for them to come to Him…to abandon doing things their own way, and find freedom in His compassion towards them… but why should they, because in His own words, His thoughts and ways are the catalyst to produce  restoration in His people.

How does this apply to us, because we through Grace and the sacrifice of Jesus have found forgiveness and and invitation to be the sons and daughters of God, and in this, His word and it’s accomplishing purposes apply to our lives as well.

So when we face difficulties, and times of questioning in our lives, we have to remember that Gods thoughts and ways are higher than ours, and the word that He has spoken in to our hearts and over our lives will produce the things in our lives that He will’s to accomplish.

Rather than question God, we should question how we have not allowed His word to produce the results in our lives that He wishes to see. We should come to Him, and find freedom in His compassion.